Bear the Love

I wonder what if someone told you that in 1 year you will move to the city that always inspired you, find a steady boyfriend and get married with children? And the most important – never question if you made a good decision. Maybe you would tell them its impossible and that destiny doesn’t exist…

4 years ago I went to see a football match, alone for 7 days. I was finishing my prolonged college and needed to put it in my map in this crazy world of being overwhelmed, feeling depressed, wondering what will I do in my life? I was always pretty ambitious person who was always lazy and intelligent to always finding a way that leaded me to fulfill my goals and needs with minimum effort. E.g. at college I have always liked to party and then taking 5 days to study 18h per day- instead of studying 1 month in advance. Somehow I had luck as always and passed. My life was always a rollecoster because I am kind of a person who likes to delay things, avoid them, then give 100% when its matter of life and death and it always worked out well… I wonder what would happen if I invest 100% every day?

When I came to a fotball match, I knew only one guy who was here studying and other friend with whom both I have spent summer with in a house of my friend. She invited her colleagues to visit her and approx. we were 4 guys and 3 girls with one couple from all over the world. We had fun. I went crazy about one guy and we had a seceret summer fling. 2 months later I went on another vacation and met them all there again and he was there as well. I came back home in September and have seen Champions League draw. I have bought a ticket and went to see a match for 9 days. I just needed a reason to meet that guy! Our mutual friend didn’t join. I saw this summer guy that I liked 2 times and then met another guy who I started to like and with whom I went to party for 5 days. He told me he came here with a fake ID and that he was cheating people with their credit cards for a living. Dude was so hillarious thay my blonde blue eyed guy just turned me off. I was thinking like what the F….??? This criminal was in my apartment, but he never robbed me. Meanwhile his “friend” texted me one night if I am coming with my boyfiend this new guy. I told him we are not together and that I just had fun with him but that he is cocaine uneducated addict who is not seeiming normal. I even told him I changed my apartment and will go home in two days. This guy inisted that we meet. Since I have been a bit neurotic since my granmother dided 3 weeks before and really sad compensating it with travelling, spending money. I sad to him why not. He told me its a sign because we have origings from the same small country. This guy was nice, tall, good mix of genes, educated, finsihed lawschool and came from a good educated family as me. We were just walking through the city, had some beers, just talked about everything. Then the dude started to roll up his weed on the street and asked me if I want to smoke with him. I was like “I did it 2 times and just felt bad and slept awake, its nothing special but Iets see.” I tried and just fell asleep. Next day we met again with his and mine friend who was 10 years younger, doing an internship and we all got really drunk. I am still in contact with her!! I’ve slept the next day and my flight went away. Yes, it was like a Hangover movie! Except the baby Carlos and the monkey, but nobody was having a bachelor party! I had to stay 3 more weeks. This guy was always at my place untill I went home eventually. 2 months later we stayed in contact and I came back to see him. My life went on and my grief of loss eventually went ok. Somehow when I met him I was seeing a cute dude in his 30ties who had bad job, finished lawschool, smoking pot everyday and I have figured out he was smoking a lot of other stuff too. I felt sorry for him. He was broke and he was after me for having fun, buying him food and stuff and just to cry on someone’s shoulder that he is a looser and that he doesnt talk to his family anymore because he is ashamed, because he was lying to them that he is having great job and life here. And in the end that his friend is buying him food just because he is broke!! Suddenly I’ve just felt pitty for him and started to look at him as a brother, friend not someone I was sleeping with once in a while. I went home. I got worried about this guy because I started to think he was living in the street or just blocked me for no reason.

2 months later I came back again because my friend invited me , my long life firend who moved. I facebooked and stalked this broke guy and he told me that he lost his phone and that we can meet for a drink and go to see a football match. We went. I have smoked weed at Camp Nou and the police was 10m away!! (When I think about it as a mother, I don’t know why the hell I did it. I never enjoyed pot. Second i could have been ended up in a jail with the fine!) He was just smoking his pot and talking how he could move to my country and start a business. That he has no one here, that he doesn’t talk with his family. I was like yeah yeah. I felt sorry for him. I was supportive. I knew he was talking mostly trash, but I wante to give him a chance and be supportive, to wake him up and move. Just move to find a good job in Spain. I went home and 5 months later I got a job and moved permanently here. I was haning out with my friends and didn’t even contact this guy at all. Once he texted how am I. I asked if he wants to talk and meet. He was suprised I have moved here. In the end we met and spent the night together. When I came to his place, there was all full of chocolates, it was a disaster. I knew he had addiction problem but that was too much. Next morning I just went home and it was last time I have seen this guy. 2 weeks later I met my husband who was a normal guy, hardworking, serious and cute. We clicked off instantly. There was no questions if he was into me or not. I didn’t feel pressure. Things went naturally. We didn’t sleep together having sex for two months. Nobody had hurry. It was natural and easygoing. I knew that every friday night we would meet, that he would pick me up on Saturday’s mornings and we would do stuff all the time. Since then I have never ever for the first time analyzed things. I was never talking with my girlfriends much about our private relationship things and went to details as before. Eventually we got married and had a kid. Now we are happy. We have our problems and differences but its hard life with a small baby when both people work.

I remember that once while I was pregnant this dude who smoked pot too much texted me where am I what am I doing that he lost his job… I just wrote him – I am fine, so you do remember me only when you are depressed? I am pregnant and put a smiley face. Day after I told him its not his, hahaha. He never responded back. Everytime I buy a new phone and recover my phonebook I am still seeing his number without any picture and status. Sometimes I wonder if he is still alive or drugs took him. In the end I wrote this story of my life that I don’t think about anymore. Sometimes when I visit some places in this city I don’t even think about or remember anything about it and in the situations like this spontaneous writing, I get sad. Well, whatever happened its not my thing. I have my life fulfilled now. While I am thinking now would it be strange to say if we ever meet that I could take a coffe with this guy and just be friends? Is it possible to love someone as a brother after being sexually involved? I think yes…

Its funny how in life… you have ups and downs but right things come when you don’t expect them. Yes, I was a “whore” before getting married. I was dating many guys, I was spending a lot of MY money to just enjoy and not care. But the thing is that I didn’t waste my life being miserable and juding everybody else for my failures. Our life is just ours and we are the only ones that set the limits and move on.

Its also funny in a life how people just think they are allowed to give you small pieces of themselves and expect that your are their lucky fix who will keep them happy whenever they feel down. Its funny how the first guy from this story the “summer” guy who was hot and cold with me… he was the first guy who texted me when I gave a birth on Facebook and even put the public comment. I was dying laughing… so all is allowed in war and love I guess as they say. People do irrational things and expect all, people are egoists in both ways. I was also the one egosit as well in this stories I have wrote. I did need somebody to make me feel good as they did.

If someone tells me that love is pure and not selfish. In my 30 years of life, being married now I can assure at least for myself that I agree. With my husband I didn’t need a shoulder to cry, I didn’t need a friend to comfort me and listen to me. I just needed someone to waste my time with doing nothing, be comfortable without talking too much, complicating things. Just to live in the moments and enjoy it because Monday and Sundays were days to work and have time alone! Just to breath and not to think about anything. I love taking a coffe with him and just not to talk, just breath and talk with our kid. We talk enough at home, but when we watch TV, eat outside, walk outside we are quite and I love it.

Published by tinytinach

#mom #cook #kidschef

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